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The wilderness of your soul

11/13/21

7 and a half years ago, I heard my future calling me. 

It was during a break at a Celtic Beltane celebration. I felt the need to step out of the large beautiful gathering space, away from  familiar faces, and be by myself for a while. I was in the middle of a painful life transition. 

For three weeks in a row, the man, who was my teacher and mentor, had launched relentless attacks against me during our weekly zoom meetings for defending the benefit of a specific type of healing work. The other two members of our core study group joined him in his rally against me, and our gatherings had become a full out battle to keep me under his control. The taste of confusion, hurt and breathless bewilderment that grabbed me as I listened to friends I had trusted and a man I had admired, was penetrating my daily life.

I went out the back door down into the sprawling garden, was drawn past the lovely spring blooms in the generous perennial border, came to the edge of the thick lawn that ran along the wooden fence, found myself opening a gate, set foot on a mowed tractor path that curved with the fence along the edge of the forest… walked for a while… and then stopped. I had followed a sense of being drawn forward, and now I sensed I shouldn’t follow the path any further, so I waited and looked around for something to catch my attention. There was nothing special about this little rutted stretch of path or the forest that opened to the side of me. The first silky leaves just began poking out of the budding branches, grasses and woodland plants were sprouting through the brown carpet of snow pressed leaves… and finally I felt that it was the ground of the forest that beckoned me to step off the trodden trail onto virgin soil and vegetation, and so I did. I took perhaps a dozen steps and paused again... feeling the difference of standing amidst the forest: it was a place where the plants grew in communion with each other. I felt the soft earth, covered by layers of leaves beneath me, and wondered if this was a patch of soil no one ever stepped on before. I felt inexplicably peaceful here. Then I heard a voice:

“I want to take you by the hand and step with you into the wilderness of your soul”

And I knew what it meant! I felt like a part of my soul had spoken. These words instantly captured the feeling experience of how I longed to work with clients! The wilderness was the place where my teacher didn’t want to go, where he’d have to give up control. I understood why I didn’t belong in his circle any longer.

Making my way back to the gathering space I noticed rose petals on the ground leading to the front entrance. I was amazed I hadn’t seen any of them when I arrived! And now they laid there… and I felt their sweet invitation, to follow their trail of love, welcoming me home to myself. 

During the following weeks I left my teacher and found the words of how I now wanted to work with clients:

“I want to take you by the hand and step with you into the wilderness of your human nature, stand with you on the untouched soil of your being and awaken the dormant senses of who you can be, of the possible, of what lies yet beyond your imagination. I want to lay a trail of love that you can choose to follow, without pushing or convincing you. Instead I will leave the full responsibility of that choice and decision in your hands, because that’s where it belongs.”

It described a feeling place that was extraordinarily vivid to me, but in real life I had no idea how to make that happen. It took more than 5 years for my soul’s longing to begin manifesting. I didn’t know what was slowly being prepared, growing like mycelium underground. In fact I often felt quite lost during that time. Life kept taking me in unexpected directions. I started gardening and fell in love with it. I wondered whether I was perhaps not meant to work in a transformational way with people any longer. Maybe the last chapter of my work would be simply one of a gardener? Now, in retrospect, can I see the magical orchestration that happened, which allowed all the significant pieces to fall into place. 

A week ago I suddenly remembered the moment in the forest when I heard the voice of my soul. And I experienced a moment of awe in realizing how fully that sensed vision has now become my reality. 

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